Alice: I hate it when things “show” on “those days”!
Merbear: Stick a cork in me, and let’s go! Don’t forget to grab the boogie board.
Alice: Yeah, just don’t mention your “down there’ whatever you do!
Merbear: Why, I am delighted. Thank you for asking, I am chafe-free!
Alice: These tampons and bathing suits were made for each other!
Merbear: A match made in menstruation heaven. That straw hat is whack.
Alice: Totally, like it was designed by small Chinese children who work for one grain of rice and finally got pissed.
Merbear: Trim your own hat, bitch.
The best thing is, the tampon is internal. Shhh. It’s a secret.
Alice: Yes, internal, so it can’t be seen. You know, once it’s in place. It’s not internal before then.
Merbear: In or out, for the layman. I don’t know about you Alice, but I am always aware that it is in there.
Alice: Yeah kind of hard to forget a cardboard tube up your woo hoo.
Merbear: Uh, Alice, the tube doesn’t stay.
Alice: Oh, fuck, I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.
Merbear: It’s like a cotton swab for your lady canal. So… cardboard comes out.
Alice: Got it. You are a bloody fount of information.
Merbear: I try. It is my will. Moving on…
Alice: Thank goodness this invisible “down there” device prevents odors from forming!
Merbear: Even if it is hot as Hades outside, I shall not reek.
Alice: Does this mean we can skip douching?
Merbear: Not until after your period. Then game on. No man in his right mind would go near that right now.
Alice: Alright! I love these anti-chaffing devices. Really helps to remove the cardboard. No wonder Tampax is so great!
Merbear: I can slip a whole month of protection in my purse. This comes in handy. But what if I don’t carry a purse?
Alice: Only communists don’t carry purses. Wait, so she has periods for an entire month?
Merbear: Wow, shit was fucked up back then. I’m a week, tops. Those poor women.
Alice: It would be tough to carry all that extra protection. Like football gear.
Merbear: I think I could make room if I moved these condoms….
Alice: Zomg, what are THOSE?
Merbear: . . . that expired in 1994
Alice: Aren’t those the Satan’s gloves?
Merbear: They are penis sheaths. There, now I am well stocked and ready. Come on, menses!
Alice: We can go swimming while bleeding out the hoo-ha! I am so happy! Oh shit CRAMP!
Merbear: I told you to wait until you digested that cheese cake, didn’t I? Here, take a Pamprin.
Alice: Nothin’ like doublin over in pain whilst doin the backstroke.
Merbear: I feel so fucking modern now.
Alice: I know it. And so easy to dispose of! That’s fucking important!
Merbear: I have soft rabbit like fluff inside me and I am free like a bird. Let’s run along the surf!
Alice: Don’t forget to yank it out later. And disposing of it? Easy, toss it in the ocean, it makes rafts for sea urchins.
Merbear: This bathing suit is white and I don’t give a rats ass!!!
Alice: Check out my red butt! I am the flag of JAPAN! Hey, I hear these things are available at drug or notion counters.
Merbear: I have a notion.
Alice: WTF is a notion counter?
Merbear: I have no notion.
Alice: I guess since a tampon isn’t a drug, it’s a notion. Shhh, a “down there” notion for “those days”
Merbear: I just slip the cashier a note, cause I am a lady.
Alice: And he gives it to you in a plain brown wrapper.
Alice: Like porn.
Merbear: I feel dirty.
Alice: You can just pick them both up at the same time. Just be sure to get it THIS MONTH!!
Merbear: Yes supplies are limited.
Alice: Act now! Before it’s too late – ohhhh.
Merbear: She looks so cool and happy.
Alice: Oh, yeah, nomming on her glasses, sittin’ back, soakin up the . . . sun.
Merbear: I would be all like, um..yes, I am all bloaty and feel like a turd. Can we go home, thanks.
Alice: That just makes you float on the water easier!
Merbear: She is like I am the sexiest bitch you ever did see.
Alice: You’d never guess what was goin’ on “down there”. I wonder what size her hoo-ha is. Regular? Super? Junior?
Merbear: I say super. Oh, no! Run! I see a bear!!
Alice: Not into the ocean, you’ll attract sharks!
Merbear: Well, there could be woods. She is in some danger, obviously.
Alice: Maybe. Mark your trail with strategically placed tampons, Gladys.