Marlene goes shopping!!!

Hi! I am Marlene, the foul mouthed domestic diva!

If you are like me, you hate going to the grocery store. Fuck, I mean you love it. Yes, what woman doesn’t adore coming up with nutritious meals every damn night for her family?

This twitch in my eye has been getting worse and worse.

The only thing that makes it worthwhile is watching Ed the stock boy ogling my firm bosom while I reach down to squeeze the melons.

Hmmm, that’s right Eddie. Baby like milk.


You can stretch a meatloaf longer than your husbands skid marked undies. Just douse the whole fucking works with ketchup, and viola!

Add noodles and you have spaghetti!

Meatball submarines anyone?

This leaves us with four more family dinners to pull out of our ass. Inspiration usually strikes me in the liquor aisle, right next to the Tom Collins mix.

After that,Β I head to the dairy department, because eggs and milk are the staples of any well stocked kitchen. Along with bread and cheese, of course.

I mean, you really don’t need to even cook in order to stay alive. If you had played your cards right, you could have been wined and dined by a man named Giuseppe every night, and never even lay a finger on a dirty dish ever again. Madge who?

But no, you had to be the good girl, Marlene. Now look at you, a sad, dried up fucking rag who cries herself to sleep at night.

Tuna is both affordable and stands up well in a casserole!

Next week, I will discuss how to make sure your husband stays satisfied in bed!


About Merbear74

Writing for me is a sort of self therapy and something that I have loved to do since I was young. I write about many things such as fibromylagia, chronic pain and depression. Sometimes, I also make an attempt at being funny.
This entry was posted in humor, retro, satire, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

52 Responses to Marlene goes shopping!!!

  1. merbear74 says:

    Reblogged this on Knocked over by a feather and commented:

    Marlene takes us on a trip…

  2. Cap'n Deadbones says:

    Poor Eddie just busted his zipper. Way to go, Marlene.

  3. magyarok27 says:

    Hi Marlene, I’m Kat….I think we’ve met before! πŸ™‚

  4. The Cutter says:

    Personally, I love the grocery store. It’s like a new adventure to see how large a percentage of the bill I can save. Due to being a man, I don’t think a stock boy has ever ogled my chest though. Then again, you never know…

  5. Reblogged this on aliceatwonderland and commented:

    Wonder Twins are back! Marlene takes us on a trip. Psst, she’s still a skank but I didn’t say that – Mary Alice

  6. Hahaha,,,hilarious,,,I can’t wait to learn how to keep my man satisfied in bed. I wait with great anticipation.

  7. Do you have a pic of Eddies overstretched undies?

  8. Staples of my kitchen = beer & liquor

  9. I will live on crackers sometimes before I venture out to the grocery store. I hate them! Looking forward to the next planned post. My husband will love that one.

  10. shoe1000 says:

    Thank you for the joy full moments!

  11. djmatticus says:

    Mmm, tuna noodle casserole… now I’m hungry. Grr. Where’s my dinner?

  12. CJ says:

    This is exactly what Martha Stewart does when no one’s looking. I hate that bitch! Marlene could be Martha’s alter ego…perhaps if she bent over the potato bin, Eddie might show her that fantastic zucchini he’s been saving for her…

    DID I just say that? OMG! Going to blame it on Merbear…

  13. 1jaded1 says:

    Ha! Tuna casserole gave you another night down. Three more to plan.

  14. Oh I can’t wait to hear your tips! πŸ™‚

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