Ask Mary Alice

Have a question?  Just ask Mary Alice, professional housewife. (Psst, avoid that skank Marlene.)

Mary Alice better than you do!

Mary Alice knows better than you do!

Mary Alice,

My husband thinks I should always be in high heels and pregnant.  But he won’t buy me shoes, and I already spent my allowance on food.  What should I do?

Shoeless in Seattle

*******************************

Dear Shoeless,

Your husband is a busy man.  He has to keep you pregnant and work at his real job while you eat bon bons.  Since you wasted your money on food, I suggest you convince him that pregnant and barefoot is the way to go.  I’m sure it will catch on.

Mary Alice

*******************************

Dear Mary Alice,

When I clean the kitchen floor with my fabulous new cleanser, I see a bald man with an earring in the floor.  He winks at me.  I’m thinking of running away with him, but I don’t want to betray my husband.  What should I do?

Hopelessly in love with Mr. Clean.

*******************************

Dear Hopeless,

Please stop sniffing the kitchen cleaner.  Your problem will resolve itself.

Mary Alice.

*******************************

Dear Mary Alice,

My family is broke, our kitchen is on fire, I forgot to douche, and I’m not sure where the baby is.  What should I do?

Forgetful in Fresno

*******************************

Dear Forgetful,

You forgot to douche?

Mary Alice

Have any more questions for Mary Alice?  Just leave them in the comment section below.

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About aliceatwonderland

Snarky blogger that's also a librarian, mommy, and critic of the world in general.
This entry was posted in Word to the Wives and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to Ask Mary Alice

  1. Reblogged this on aliceatwonderland and commented:

    If you haven’t already, come visit Merbear and me on our new blog The Wonder Twins, the snarkiest retro blog on the Internetz (according to my total non-research). Today Mary Alice (professional housewife) is offering advice for us girls (don’t we need it!)

  2. speaker7 says:

    I might try that barefoot thing. It sounds like my evolutionary place.

  3. Twindaddy says:

    I can’t believe that bitch forgot to douche. Who does that?

  4. 1jaded1 says:

    Yep, forgetful should reprioritize..

  5. hahaha – great! But no douche = no go. I feared Mr. Clean as I was a kid – he looks like the genie of Aladdin’s magic lamp.

  6. merbear74 says:

    Reblogged this on Knocked over by a feather and commented:
    If you haven’t already, come visit Alice and me on our new blog The Wonder Twins, the snarkiest retro blog on the Internetz (according to my total non-research). Today Mary Alice (professional housewife) is offering advice for us girls (don’t we need it!)

  7. Hopeless could try cleaning her kitchen floor with her douche ….

  8. JackieP says:

    Mr. Clean mesmerized me for years. I think it was that sparkly earring. Then I got news he was bumbing crossed arms with someone else and I was heartbroken. I took up with the Snuggle bear. Sigh, I’m slowly recovering.

    • I do not trust a man with an earring. Probably a pirate! Sadly, I heard that Snuggle Bear was caught in the lint trap. Sad.

      • JackieP says:

        So that’s what happened to him! Damn, I was trying to figure out where he went. I suppose that means I should clean my lint trap too??? God will this cleaning stuff never end!!!???

  9. Yikes, no douche? That’s medieval.

  10. Why not combine both cleaning jobs and use Mr. Clean all purpose floor cleaner and douche, with the power of Febreze!

  11. Hmmm. . .fishy smell, is that guy with the one earring a pirate??

  12. djmatticus says:

    I will think of something “proper” and “appropriate” to say as soon as I stop laughing…
    Nope, no good, too much laughter…
    😀

  13. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I could use a guy right now, even a bald one. Where do I get some of that cleanser?

    What? I need him to scrub the floors. Literally.

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