The price of beauty

It’s a well-known fact that females are supposed to be hairless, odorless and ever so ladylike.

Screw that.

There are times when we females don’t wanna do the continuous lady-scaping that is expected of us. It’s a damn pain in the ass, if you ask me.

If only we had some of the products of yesteryear still available to us, how much easier it would be….

Flat as a pancake? Ran out of tissues?

No worries, a pair of glam falsies, and you’ll be the talk of the town.

After collecting his data, Max Factor realized this woman was flawed beyond repair.

Then, he went golfing.

“I feel pretty, oh so pretty..I feel pretty, and witty and wise!”

Yes, you are, Ned. Just beautiful!

And that stash is sexy hot.

Why are they playing Tic Tac Toe on my face?

Poor Beatrice. All those long hours at the salon, and all for not.

No man likes the smell of corn chips, Bea, unless it’s game day.

I can hear my hair growing!

Bzzzzzz…..don’t worry, the smoke means its working.

Look, I’m a Smurf!

You just can’t find good body paint anymore.

So ends this weeks installment of retro ads. Stay tuned next week, when we explore completely fucked up sexist ads!

I know, I can barely contain myself, either.


About Merbear74

Writing for me is a sort of self therapy and something that I have loved to do since I was young. I write about many things such as fibromylagia, chronic pain and depression. Sometimes, I also make an attempt at being funny.
This entry was posted in beauty, humor, parody, retro, satire, Uncategorized, vintage and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to The price of beauty

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Wella Balsam…you’ll tell a friend, then she’ll tell a friend, and so on…

  2. markbialczak says:

    What was Ted’s porno name, Mer? Oh, Wella Ballsome. I see.

  3. Twindaddy says:

    I know I’ve had plenty of moments ruined by wearing the wrong deodorant.

  4. If I’m being honest, love me some false advertising πŸ™‚ I believe the ‘falsies’ company is now known as Victoria’s Secret….not sure it’s all that secret anymore

  5. I wish I had bought the falsies instead to try it with cotton balls. Fortunately I had nice classmates who brought it to my attention that I lost one of my boobs :o)

  6. What kind of torture device is Max Factor using on that woman? I’d swear that guy is Henry Bemis from the Twilight Zone….

    And I find you don’t need deodorant when you can cover up BO with unicorn musk….

  7. draliman says:

    I particularly like the beauty micrometer which shows up flaws which “escape(s) ordinary observation” thus allowing an “experienced operator” to apply corrective make-up. For a flaw which can’t be seen anyway. Brilliant.
    Plus it looks like one of those things you have to wear when someone smashes your face to bits with a mallet.

  8. JackieP says:

    Some of those are just creepy. Wait all of those are just creepy! Especially the make up dothingamabob. Whoa, kinky stuff there.

  9. The Cutter says:

    I would totally wear body paint instead of pants.

  10. Morguie says:

    You have to wonder if it was a man who thought up “flavored” douches, lotions, and bath beads.
    And I guess the Smurfs were the brainfart, I mean, brilliance which resulted, of that body paint plus a couple of LSD tabs ??? Pause for thought…

  11. HaHaha!!!!! locating flaws no one can see!! yay!!!! “falsies” hahahah!!!
    I laughed till I stopped. OMG hair growing lady looks like she is having ‘big fun”

  12. Mental Mama says:

    Wow, and I thought I was weird for only shaving my legs twice a year.

  13. You know, joining a religious order is making more and more sense after reading this. We’re all supposed to be hairy smelly lesbians anyway… (According to myth/legend/stereotype/someone’s over active imagination.)

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